When someone hurts me/us, I’m initially met with confusion, aka, “I’ve got to be missing something, this person I put trust in wouldn’t hurt me like this on purpose, it must have been a mistake.”

Assuming the best of people is an important perspective to take, but discerning where harm has been caused by mistake or otherwise is hugely important. It’s the fine line between loving your neighbor well…and not forgetting to love and care for yourself when doing so. Further, if someone is mistreating us, it is 100% POSSIBLE that it has nothing to do with us. Nothing. For all the people in the back:

Nothing.

Everyone has their “stuff” and it could be that this person is simply too afraid to look at theirs…so they find “stuff” in you to judge or justify their actions instead.

When a situation arises, I unpack it mentally, identify the “wrong”, my associated feelings, and bring it to that person’s attention if I determine it was unacceptable, rather than a personal trigger (my stuff, not theirs). There IS a difference, and our perception is impacted by our trauma. We cannot resent what we’ve not addressed, and while we deserve to be treated well, people aren’t psychic. They don’t necessarily know your need, your perception of the situation, or even that they’ve hurt you.

We hope for an apology, and if you get one, lucky you. The pain remains our responsibility to address, but there’s a certain balm-like quality in knowing that the other person feels regret. The acknowledgement feels crucial to our healing.

But it’s not. While apologies are a very specific form of acknowledgment, of being seen, we aren’t promised one, and it often doesn’t come. Sometimes we don’t get the option to exercise, “Apology accepted”. We must step into, “Forgiveness granted”. Whether an apology manifests or not, Our Father doesn’t call this out as a requirement. He calls us to forgive whether the apology comes or not. Yes, it’s gracious to the perpetrator, but the true grace manifests from the heart of Christ IN US, for US to experience, as we release our right to hold this person accountable for their actions. It’s for US, in that it allows for US to practice forgiving others….perhaps eventually learning to also forgive…us.

“Judge not lest ye be judged” is frequently referenced, perhaps because we’re so quick to compare ourselves or come to negative conclusions about another human. But perhaps it’s also referenced because when we judge others, deep down we’re judging the most unacknowledged, scary parts of ourselves we sense in others. OUR lack. When we condemn others…we demonstrate a willingness to also self-condemn.

We want closure. I get it. But it’s probably not coming. Now what? How do we shift our minds and heart to reflect that of the Father’s?

Ask Him to show you. Why? Because this honors Our Father and allows us to fully experience the forgiveness already poured out on us, as we extend it to others. Soak it in. Like a pool or hot tub, it could be pretty uncomfortable at first…but the ability to forgive is yet another blessing. Forgiveness is one of the most freeing, refreshing experiences He offers us. So counterintuitive. So upside down. SO good.