No. No it’s not. Your feelings aren’t any less important than someone else’s. It’s okay to advocate for yourself. If this makes you feel like you’re bothering someone else…it’s absolutely possible that insisting on addressing your needs is simply out of character for you. The self-advocation is new and uncomfortable. You’re feeling discomfort because pushing back for what you need when it comes to your heart feels unfamiliar…and often unsafe.

I think out loud. It’s how I process, and very often find myself beginning a relationship-conversation with, “I’m sure you’re going to be mad but” or, “this is going to bug you, I know it would bug me”, “this is stupid but”, or my favorite, “I’m so sorry I overlooked that. You might not think it a big deal, but it would hurt my feelings”.

Yesterday I asked my aunt in all seriousness if a dear cousin of mine really enjoyed my company as much as she seemed. When I’m with her I’m SO excited to be with her. My joy in her presence is palpable for me…I also feel like I dominate the conversation. I feel boring and self-centered. Uninteresting. I feel like they’re ready to head out the door and their time is a kindness, better spent elsewhere.

My aunt’s reply began with, “I’m amazed you’re asking.”

Why do I assume someone would be angry, bothered, bored or hurt by me?

On the flip side…God can use this. Thank God He IS using this. Even in my insecurity, He’s gifted me with empathy. He’s given me the ability to encourage. I can be the light I want to see. It’s just so much easier to see the light in me when folks reflect back. I sure wish I had more time with folks to reflect back.

For now, there aren’t many and community is rare. That’s okay. It just is. He often does His best work in isolation. And once He works that incredibleness, He’s not leaving you in isolation. Our call, yours and mine, is to be in community, to BE community. He doesn’t strip us of our primary purpose of loving God and loving His people well…and to do it well…well…it requires people. 😉 The fields are ripe and we GET to get out there and harvest. I cannot wait for all of this excruciating pain to manifest as my testimony.

Lord, please don’t let me forget that my testimony is now. I’m called to be light in darkness, despite my perceived (temporary) darkness, now, in the strength I have. Remind me that it only gets better. The stumbles only make me more forgiven, grateful, relatable, and useable. Please fill me up to pour me out.

What He’s working on in my present solitude is removing the shame, self-doubt, and self-condemnation, rooted in judgement and misperception of self. Learning, healing in this, I will be able to more clearly see the need of another’s heart, including identification of my needs. We are one body. Be kind to all your parts.

I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say: be the change you want to see. Consider others greater than yourself, certainly, Jesus did. But don’t forget. You’re just as incredible as the person across the table from you.

Go in the strength you have. -Judges 6:14