It can’t be done. I mean, it can, but it’s not effective long-term and in the end everyone loses. The desired behavior may be demonstrated for a while, but eventually the shamed individual will exhaust themselves in all the striving, or perhaps never try to begin with, the shame being so heavy. You don’t know the heart of another, and can’t know which of the responses you’ll get when employing this tactic, but I assure you it will be one of the two…and the other person will hurt if they’ve not established healthy boundaries and recognize your intent, conscious or otherwise.

You may now be thinking of someone who’s caused this feeling in you, and if honest perhaps someone you’ve attempted to persuade to your thinking. When initial tactics didn’t work, you inadvertently or intentionally decided to make the person feel obligated to comply using shame as a tool…and perhaps that person you placed under shame’s duress was you.

If you can’t sense it, I’m preaching to a choir…heck, I AM the choir. I’ve spent decades caring how I and my actions were perceived. Like you, I’m truly unique, and some people in my past haven’t appreciated things about me I thought were rather good. To them, I’m not okay…and I’ve allowed myself to believe them when they said I wasn’t okay. I didn’t know that’s what I did, but I did. It’s subtle.

I’ve allowed myself to feel like I wasn’t okay. And that’s not okay.

I felt shame that I didn’t measure up to the standards set before me. And, the harder I tried to reach these lofty standards, yet still continuing to fail in meeting the expectations, the deeper my shame became.

Shame leads to pretending. If you’re not okay the way you are, then you should definitely try harder to not be that, to be something or someone else, right?

I’ve always loved performing. Singing, theater…but performing to shame? There is no intermission.

It is absolutely exhausting.

When we’re listening to people around us for clues on who we think THEY think we should be, we can’t hear our Father telling us who HE made us to be. You can’t hear Him telling you that this quirk, the way you speak, the way you love, what you enjoy, perhaps even the way you look is exactly how He made you, and perfect for the calling He has for you. We spend so much time trying to be what we think we ought (sincerely, I mean, someone we trusted told us we weren’t okay, right?), to improve things for which we’ve been criticized, that we no longer hear His gentle reminder that what’s seemingly been denied by the world is exactly the thing He’s gifted us to use.

I encourage you today, to ask yourself where you feel shame. Don’t live there, but we know Our Father hasn’t created us to live in shame or fear. Think back and wonder, “Why do I feel so much ick around this? What happened that I think I should be embarrassed by this? IS this something my Father wants to refine from me, or is this a gift He wants me to develop, the critique of some simply evil stumbling blocks?”

What might your shame be keeping you from today because you feel unqualified?

Ask Him to show you today where He’s equipping you for growth, and for clarity in exposing the lies keeping you from your purpose. He promises to show up. Ask the Spirit to facilitate your understanding. Trust His timing and goodness. Your healing is coming.