I couldn’t tell you how it started really.

I can tell you that I didn’t say much, this person said a whole lot with intensity, and it was my faith on trial. I can also tell you the peace I felt in the moments during and after is the stuff of “passing understanding”. Just wow.

With conviction, I was told: 

God isn’t real.

Catholics, Protestants, both a mess.

“Those people” are stupid and just need to worship something.

The church is corrupt.

I’m brainwashed.

Jesus wouldn’t *insert many things*

And what about the crusades….

”How are you going to defend yourself?!”

Maybe this was out of line; I didn’t start or feed this.  Maybe it was unfair. 

It was fine.  I sat. I listened. I became aware my feeling wasn’t “freeze” of the fight or flight sort, as it has historically been so often. My freeze…my freeze wasn’t present. This was new.

Stillness.  Peace. Haha- even a little joy.

It didn’t make sense.

It passed understanding.

My few words edgewise:

I told him it was okay he didn’t believe.

I told him Jesus didn’t need me to defend Him, because His existence isn’t dependent on our belief.

I told him he was right on a lot of levels.

I told him I was sorry the church so often misrepresented Jesus.

I told him I could only speak from my personal experience.

He was told he was out of line, and despite my encouragement that things were fine and to stay, he left; suddenly. Quietly.

I say this for a few reasons, one of the reasons NOT being to put my friend on trial. His rationale, reasons, or perspectives are NOT the point.

Reason one: I am blown away and grateful at what can only be described as a supernatural self-response. Guys, right away I noticed my heart jump a bit and I handed it to Jesus and settled in. I took a beating I didn’t deserve, and for the first time in a long time: it didn’t hurt. I didn’t receive the condemnation and shame that was being dished, even if unknowingly, by my friend. Praise God, I’m grateful for the shift in me, in my perspective.

Reason two: the world is dark and full of people who have done their best to overcome trauma, have done well (or not), and haven’t had the same positive experiences in Christian community as perhaps we have. They hurt and they don’t know why. At some point the church at minimum didn’t help, and at worst, did horrible damage “in the name of god”. We can’t minimize or dismiss this. Shame Christ or ourselves in punishment, certainly not. But acknowledge the hurts, the failures, the pain caused “in Jesus’ name”, by ourselves and others. We need to validate these experiences even as we defend our faith.

Finally: perhaps most important: I don’t believe in Jesus because I was raised this way. Or because a book says so (though I was and it does). I too have had “church hurts” many will thankfully never realize. I believe because of my experience. In my knowing of Him. In my being known and loved BY Him.

It’s my testimony.

The Blood of the Lamb and the word of OUR testimony has NEVER been so critical. Authenticity in sharing our stories, and loving well as others respond and write theirs has never been so crucial.